It happens in a lot of relationships. One partner becomes too controlling and smothering of their mate. They demand to know where he/she was at all times. Tried to prevent them from spending time with their other friends. Tried to force them to spend all their free time together. In some cases, it gets even worse, requiring them to have dinner ready by certain times, laundry done in a certain way, etc.

Doing these kinds of things should cause a healthy person like your ex to hit the eject button on your relationship. After a short while controlling behaviors smother your mate and they lose their interest in being with you quickly.

Now you want to get your ex back in your life hopefully without the whole controlling thing. What, if anything, can you do to get them back?

The answer, honestly, is that it depends. Some controllers created too much pain for their ex to ever take them back. Some controllers will need therapy before they can really expect to have any healthy relationship. Confusing power over with love will destroy the intimacy in any relationship.

But in many cases you can get them back. The first important step is to understand what you did wrong. If they kicked you out because you were too smothering and controlling you need to really get that such behavior wrongs your mate and they were right to end the relationship because of it. You have to understand that controlling behavior is not love. You have to understand that trying to keep them from seeing their friends, demanding to know where they are at all times when theyre away from you, needing them to spend all their free time with you is not healthy. Youve got love mixed up with power and need and dominance.

The key is to have learned from being kicked out of the relationship. If you really understand the damage you caused and believe you don’t need to do those things again, you may have a real opportunity to get your ex back.

The next step is to have a special 20 minute or so conversation with your mate. In this conversation you have to accomplish several things. Acknowledge the damage you caused them, let them vent to you about how you hurt them, and then convince them that you truly have learned from your mistakes and won’t repeat the behavior. It isn’t easy, but if you can accomplish those things you can make room for your ex to begin considering you in a better light. We all like to feel we have helped people to learn things in life.

There is much greater detail to these steps than we have room for here. But learning from your mistakes and convincing them of some of what you’ve learned can go a long way towards getting your ex back, or at least create some room for them to consider trying a date or two with you again.

Posted under Relationships

It happens in a lot of relationships. One partner becomes too controlling and smothering of their mate. They demand to know where he/she was at all times. Tried to prevent them from spending time with their other friends. Tried to force them to spend all their free time together. In some cases, it gets even worse, requiring them to have dinner ready by certain times, laundry done in a certain way, etc.

Doing these kinds of things should cause a healthy person like your ex to hit the eject button on your relationship. After a short while controlling behaviors smother your mate and they lose their interest in being with you quickly.

Now you want to get your ex back in your life hopefully without the whole controlling thing. What, if anything, can you do to get them back?

Well, obviously it depends on how bad it got and how controlling you were. Sometimes you may have created too much damage. Often times you will need counseling and therapy before you get back into any relationship. Confusing love with power over and control is not healthy.

But in many cases you can get them back. The first important step is to understand what you did wrong. If they kicked you out because you were too smothering and controlling you need to really get that such behavior wrongs your mate and they were right to end the relationship because of it. You have to understand that controlling behavior is not love. You have to understand that trying to keep them from seeing their friends, demanding to know where they are at all times when theyre away from you, needing them to spend all their free time with you is not healthy. Youve got love mixed up with power and need and dominance.

Hopefully their kicking you out has awakened you some. People get into relationships for play, love and intimacy, not to be dominated and controlled in the name of love. So if you have learned something from being kicked out, if you can understand how what you did wronged your mate and if truly feel that you dont need to do some of those things again, that is a first important step, and you have a chance to get your ex back.

The next part is to convince them that you have learned from losing them and that you won’t repeat that behavior. You do this with a powerful apology conversation that involves owning up to what you did and then listening to them vent as they tell you how your controlling behaviors damaged their feelings for you. If you can do those things, you may create room in their heart to think about actually taking you back.

There is much greater detail to these steps than we have room for here. But learning from your mistakes and convincing them of some of what you’ve learned can go a long way towards getting your ex back, or at least create some room for them to consider trying a date or two with you again.

Posted under Relationships